Skip to content

How I learned to stop worrying about Donald Trump and love the 4th of July

by on May 28, 2019

The following is a fictional account of President Trump’s 4th of July speech and the events that followed. We are releasing this as a leak sent backwards through time to prepare human kind.

President Donald J Trump on July 4th 2019:

“MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

I have been a lie and a fraud. I thieved and ripped you off till the cows come home, but now it’s time for the chicken to roost.

These crimes were my performance art, to show you how it’s done and what we are up against.

My esteemed colleagues on the other side of the aisle, attacking me on a daily basis, they are hypocrites too. They profited from every single one of my policies, their stock portfolios went up too at first.

I have been the clown to distract you people from the backstage movements worked out quietly amongst elite Democrats and Republicans and many in between.

More or less the same would have happened under Clinton, in essence. Albeit different in style and extent.”

(Trump reaches and spends a few moments on his smartphone)

“I have just posted a link to the complete tax and business history of myself and my family. Do not call this a leak. I did this myself and voluntarily. Time to spill the beans, folks.

It is the Democrats’ wet dream. However, I predict it will also be their nightmare. They and their wealthy donors, without exception, also benefit from corporations registered in Delaware. Their net worth is also dependent on this precious magic trick we call a stock market. Their pensions too are made stable by the constant flow of money from gullible fools – the upstanding citizens who all they want is to lead an honest, happy life, with one pot at the end of the rainbow.

They are the ones least likely to pull out of the markets when the crash comes or just inevitable fluctuations.

No high-speed hedging for them.

No massive tax deductions, write-offs, deferments and all that gibberish we’re supposed to not understand – but we do.

They are the bedrock on which to build an empire.

As the gap between rich and poor widens.

We steal your money.

Every day I was called a gangster – well what do you expect for a gangster country, in a gangster world?
We may never find our way out of this…

(pause)

I’m trying to say: my career was the American Dream. And now it’s time to save America from ‘America’

(he conducts his normal-sized hands into an attempt at air quotes)

Remember George Carlin, my fellow New Yorker? It’s called the American Dream… ’cause you have to be asleep to believe it.

Churchill said the best argument against democracy is a 15-Minute conversation with the average voter. I say screw you, Winston. That really only makes sense if you tack on an extra few minutes at the end with whomever it is that gave said voter his information.

The best argument FOR democracy is a 15-Minute conversation with those guys!

Or maybe 5 Minutes are enough.

Talk for five Minutes to the armies of specialists whose job it is to distract, deflect and generally misinform!

It’s a runaway train, and is all tax deductible. Talk to me some more about foreign meddling… of course I wanted to build in Moscow… that’s where the money went when capitalism – thanks a lot to CIA – ‘won’ against that form of communism. It was a new frontier and I had to be part of it, because here I had my back against the wall. I was turning into a joke, so I wanted to get rich for revenge.

Richer.

In fact richer in debt with more money stashed away and to die – as my mentor the batman villain said – with the greatest possible debt to the IRS.

(pauses to check twitter)

We won’t get out of this through business as usual.

The foreign influences from without and within… you know it’s all true… and my doctor … hmm. Well you know I am all about perception and popular culture. We’ve all seen Independence Day, and now I want this. I want to tell you I am still running for election next year. We really can beat this beast… I don’t know how – no perfect plan – but I do know I will need your help. The help of informed people who know what they are up against.

And I promise it ain’t Pizza Gate!

Now, we have established that elites everywhere benefit from the masses and that this is built deeply into the system.

I don’t take a dump without prior registration in some tax haven!

You’re all going to have to learn at least a little bit about this.

Next, about all this abortion business … I want you all to sit down and take a deep breath. Maybe take off those insane MAGA hats just for a second too. I learned this recently from a bloke, I think his name is Norman Chomintzki or something like that. Never heard of him coz he wasn’t on TV.

Chimy said that in the last few decades, both political parties have shifted so far to the right. The Democrats virtually abandoned the working class, and the Republican Party went completely off the spectrum. Wait, I have the link here somewhere. Jesus, this thing’s blowing up.. ah, here’s the quote.

Norman Chomsky: ‘Since the 1970s, during this neoliberal period (…) the democrats (…) became pretty much what used to be called moderate Republicans’, while we are blabla bla ah, here: ‘a radical insurgency that abandoned parliamentary politics,’ said someone else Chomsky is quoting here, please forgive me, I am new to this, but the next bit is easy enough to follow: ‘The Republicans have a primary constituency, a real constituency: extreme wealth and corporate power. That’s who they have to serve. That’s their constituency. You can’t get votes that way. So you have to do something else to get the votes. What do you do to get votes? This was begun by Richard Nixon with the Southern Strategy – try pick up racists in the South. [Then in the mid 70s a Republican had the brilliant idea to get votes from northern Catholics, a lot of them working class.] Republicans could pick up that vote by pretending – crucially: PRETENDING! – to be opposed to abortion. By the same pretense they could pick up the Evangelical vote. Those are big votes: Evangelicals, Northern Catholics.’

Are you still with me? Hey, slap grandpa real quick, he’s dozing off!

(Trump smiles to himself for a second… remember that: Trump smiling? What is it about this job?)

I just said that any voters calling themselves Republicans because they think these leaders believe in the sanctity of life are the victims of a massive LIE perpetrated on the American people to enact economic policies that squelch this very life from their bones, ok?

It’s true, believe me.

Or better still, don’t believe me: believe whatshisface Chamsy, Chancy dancy… I’ll come up with a good name for him too one day. You know that’s my single real talent, right? You’ve all been duped by a rancid old fart with the mental skills of a schoolyard bully. But hey even that has its benefits: the sanctimonious comedians on the left broke with their own PC tradition and suddenly fat jokes are okay again.

Never say I didn’t help you out.

Sorry where was I, ah, no… I mean where was I before I started tooting my own horn? Ah yes, I told you the truth about abortion. The Republicans faked their way into that one to turn the poor against themselves. They never really cared about it. Same about gun rights, believe it or not. Make a big stink about guns and pussy, while you hand out lavish gifts to the rich and the corporate sector. Tax bill, deregulation – everything Mitch and Paul were doing while the front page was blowing up over whatever my outrageous antics were that day.

One last Chomsky quote, folks.

In this respect, he actually called me ‘skillful’!

Tell that to all the Obama-whores who call me stupid every day.

Chomsky never praised Obama like this.

Only his PR firm. But about ME, …ah, what a nice word: me, me, me… he said: ‘As a political manipulation, it’s skillful. Work for the rich and powerful, shaft everybody else, but get their votes.’

Then he ads how I even got the Democrats to help me. That’s not an easy trick. Russia Gate, the hell if I know what that even was… maybe Steve Bannon had someone plant that for us, tapping into old memes from the cold war. Anyway, the Russia thing helped my administration punch through an agenda that would never have been possible without the frantic nonstop scramble for tidbits over internet trolls and golden showers.

So much for that.

Does this guy play golf? Free open-ended invite, Mr Chom!

And yeah, …

(regretfully)

Obama… it’s too bad most of my critics were unable to be half as critical towards him. You know we’re on the same side, right?

He handed out bailouts the Republicans never dreamed of, and let the execs do whatever they wanted with them. The auto industry, big oil, big banks, you name it. Mister Public Relations Obama, boy, do I feel sorry for that guy. In fact, I need to apologize to him for my childish rudeness over irrelevant questions like where the hell he was born. Blimey, that was low. But the nitwits ate it up, didn’t they? So sorry, Mister Barack Hussein.

And for Hilary also. Not because she wasn’t crooked, no she really sucks. But I would like to apologize to the People of America and the World for making it so easy for you to support this female nimrod. A true enemy of mankind, believe me, everybody knows that.

(Crowd chants ‘Lock her up’)

No, retards. You don’t get it…

(Trump instinctively touches his brow like Kevin Kline playing fake President in DAVE)

Our present system relies precisely on NOT locking up such people. ‘And justice for all’ – and the fairy godmother, for chrissakes. Look at her efforts for health insurance as First Lady. It’s basically what you’re gonna end up with eventually, anyway. Wars, drugs, pharmacare and lies… maybe that’s all you deserve…

I really must be heading out, before my constituency pulls the plug. Time I headed for the bunker. Does Amazon deliver to the bunker? My next few months will be a lot of reading. Like the movie American Dreamz, but sans gameshow. Been there, done that.

So long, ya shmucks.

And sorry again.

Vote Javanka 2020!”

Trump kept his promise. He basically fell off the planet for the next few months, ruling America from his bunker equipped with first-class WiFi and its own KFC.

 

Day 1
The nukes are gone. Let it be tweeted, let it be done. Anyone dumb enough to think this would change anything about America’s overpowering military was never a serious threat in the first place.

 

Day 2
converted the four major tech giants into public utilities. Apple, Google, Microsoft and Facebook.

That one was tricky. Private structures and a bonus system were maintained for human profit motive, and still it required new national emergency edict.

Concordantly, a further emergency was declared to fix the emergency caused by the previous national emergency: Instead of his blessed border wall, Trump heeded the words of his arch enemy Bill Maher: “Don’t build a wall, build a Wall-MART.” The decree read: “Anyone willing to walk through the bleeding desert in order to get here, deserves a fair shot. We will replace our hard line on immigration by vigorously dedicating ourselves to a reversal of the decades-long campaign of sundry injustices on South America which were largely responsible for the crisis in the first place. All options are on the table, including reparations. We will pay for wanting Mexico to pay for it.”

 

Day 3
Trump and Obama post a selfie to the newly open-sourced instagram, with Trump thanking Obama in the caption: “Hey, it was his idea. Bye bye nukes, we apologize for the inconvenience.”

(They sent a few to Iran just for laughs. I mean, seriously folks: what were they really gonna do with a nuke anyway, besides develop it because that was the rational thing in an irrational world…)

 

Day 4
Venezuela is one of the first countries to breathe a collective sigh of relief. For the next 30 days, in a weird resurgence of dictatorship, they try to invade Antarctica, but it’s Friday, and they are rejected by teenage climate strikers.

 

Day 5
Amazon hands over its cloud computing department to humanity as a gift, dedicates its distribution system to the workers, and uses all remaining funds to buy up the Amazon rainforest, for conservation – because “After all, we stole their name, and that’s why they love us. Ray Crock nicked McDonalds because of the cool-sounding name, remember?”

 

Also on Day 5
Speaking of McDonalds, the widow of Ray gave most of her fortune to the Salvation Army. Now they voluntarily hand over all their real estate to Scientology. Naturally, they quickly realize this was a mistake, but under a new, revived Tom Cruise, the Scientologist are good sports about it and stop annoying people in the streets.

Plus the food is now vastly more nourishing.

 

Day 6
America drops the indictment of Julian Assange. Trump nominates him for a Peace Prize and tweets a link to The Economist’s remark when Obama got his Nobel for “for not being George W. Bush.”

 

Day 7
Obama fires back. Gives his prize to Ilhan Omar “for not being an anti-Semite.”

 

Day 10
Harvey Weinstein admits to all his crimes, but no one listens.

 

Day 13
Israeli leadership announces it is “tired of winning” and makes one-sided concessions to Palestine. Two states, no ghettos, and head down to the Red Sea for a nice well-earned holiday. Thanks, Jared!

 

Day 22
A domino effect of uprisings against the most repressive Arab regimes, this time it is not quelched like Bahrain so UBS could have safe booths at Formula 1.

 

Day 27
Worldwide, banks commit to cease creating money out of thin air. National currencies again become the business of nation states. In lieu of negative interest rates, coordinated plans worked out to handle the surplus cash and neutralize it like nuclear waste.

 

Day 33
Because of lacking investment opportunities, wealthy people worldwide beg for people to take their money, but no one is up for the taking, because Thank you, an elegantly calculated Basic Income from tax money is really perfectly sufficient, Mr Sackler.

 

Day 34
Trump accepts it all anyway. He is now an international hero, with statues all around the planet – though not for the reasons he originally anticipated.

 

Day 38
Computing power no longer needed for excessive speculative trading is made available for safe online voting, but it turns out that wasn’t as complicated as it was made to look, so there is still way too much of it, for ever.

 

Day 55
Juan Guaidó: “I was promised a country, you gotta give me something.” He is given offical and irrevocable ownership of the Argentinian city Villa Gesell. Silvio Gesell, look that up. My Swiss bank has a bust in their office.

 

Day 80
Automobile factories retooled to convert their entire fleets to electro, using the plans they kept tucked away in the bottom drawer for so many decades. Not a single internal-combustion engine sold in US ever again. Remaining oil stayed in the ground, public transport making a big comeback and people even stop gazing at their smartphones for the answer (except for this posting, of course!)

Elon Musk offered to help, but they told him thank you, you enjoy the rest of your paypal money, ya ponce.

 

Day 100
Thanks to the release of Trump’s complete financial history, and many other families following suit, a plethora of loopholes came under greater public scrutiny. Some immediately started using them themselves, but mostly people came together to create public pressure to get them fixed, shut and locked up forever.

Because this renders most of corporate law redundant, legions of legal workers can reallocate their time to free the unjustly prosecuted and go after the real criminals: the producers of cosmetic products who intentionally make it hard to coax those last droplets of lotion from out of the bottle.

 

DAY X
July 4th 2020 is officially declared worldwide Donald Jay-Day, affectionately abbreviated Jayday to commemorate the hero who got the ball rolling.

The unearthed stock of tax-dodging tools is called ‘the rosetta stone of unjust wealth division’, the financial and real economies return to a healthy ratio of 1:1, international trade dwindles – horray for tariffs! – and the oceans become purer thanks to less shipping, with plastic extraction a positive replacement for fracking.

Donald Trump dies aged 104 in a tragic golfing accident. Still a compulsive cheat, he is struck by lightning while manipulating a golfball fitted with a secret GPS device. Doctors confirm he is the healthiest corpse they ever saw, its decay emitting only the purest ‘freedom gas’.

(Updated June 4th 2019)

 

Picture from CNNScreenshot_2019-05-28-23-22-40-1

From → News

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: